02 April 2011

OFF TOPIC: Facebook sucks! (Short story for SW)

Dr. Jones stepped out of his truck and paced down the pavement leading to the Borkins' household. Out of his jacket he pulled out a patient identification card.

Daniel Borkin, it read in big bold letters.

Dr. Jones reached the front door and casually knocked three times. Light steps sounded from inside of the house. The door swung open and a middle aged woman invited him hurriedly inside.

"Doctor, I'm so glad you could make it," Mrs. Borkin praised, "I know you have an extremely busy schedule--"

"I jumped on this case," The doctor explained, "I'm in charge of the 'unusual' and 'bizarre' cases such as your son's and honestly this department hasn't been 'booming' with business lately. I'm glad you called."

"Well call it unusual and bizarre, but this is extremely serious."

"I do not doubt it's severity and extremity ma'am. In fact, this sounds as bad as a crack addict with an eating disorder. Now without any further stalling, will you please direct me to the boy?"

"Yes Doctor, please follow me."

Mrs. Borkin led the Doctor up a flight of stairs and to the first door in the hallway. She knocked gently and opened the door revealing the backside of a blonde teenager sitting in front of a computer screen. Beside him, stood his father, who did not look pleased at the sight of an unexpected visitor.

"Who the hell is this?"

"Bob," said Mrs. Borkin, "this is Doctor Jones. He is here to help our son in his time of, for lack of a better word, need."

"Susan, I told you we can handle this with some quality parenting and a little bit of physical force."

"Bob listen to me, Daniel is in a very delicate state of mind right now. We don't want to do any permanent psychological damage. Much less put our own lives at risk in the process."

"Stop sensationalizing this Susan! You sensationalize every single damn thing! Especially in bed."

Dr. Jones coughed reminding the room of his presence.

Susan blushed, "I'm sorry Doctor Jones, my husband Bob is acting extremely anal."

Dr. Jones frowned, "Anal?"

“As in he’s being an ass.”

Bob mumbled to himself silently in the corner.

“Mr. Borkin, sir,” Dr. Jones alerted, “I would really appreciate some cooperation.”

Bob scoffed,”Don’t be formal with me asshole, call me Bob.”

Suddenly Daniel let out a loud but brief wail. Susan brushed past her husband to attend to her son.

“Daniel honey,” she said, “is everything alright? This nice man is here to see you, he would like to be your friend.”

Her son removed his eyes from the computer screen in front of him and stared at his mother. He then yelled, “FRIEND REQUEST DENIED.”

Susan broke into tears and faced the observing doctor, “He’s been like this for days now. Just yelling out one word responses.”

“All Facebook terms, I assume?”

Before another word could be said, Daniel stood up abruptly and turned to face the mysterious Doctor.

“PHIL STEPHENSON AND GWEN RANDYSON ENDED THEIR RELATIONSHIP.” He yelled with white zombie eyes, “DANIEL LIKES THIS.”

“Dear Lord!” Dr. Jones exclaimed, “What in God’s name happened to his eyes?”

Bob crossed his arms and replied, “Gee you don’t know? And you call yourself a doctor? What’s your PHD, 'psycho'-ology?”

Dr. Jones raised an eyebrow, “First of all, that joke was worse than Leno and what do you do for a living anyway?”

“That’s none of your business, ‘Doctor’.”

“He’s in accounting,” Susan interrupted, "good with numbers and digits."33

"I'm surprised I'm not cheating on you with some young blonde broad."

Susan's jaw dropped, "You better not! Take that back right this instant!"

“INSTANT,” Daniel yelled, "LIVE FEED."

Dr. Jones approached the white eyed teenager and took a mini flashlight from his pocket. “I need you to follow the light with your eyes, son.”

“NEW NOTIFICATION. FLASH NOTIFICATION. NEW MESSAGE.”

Daniel’s eyes were motionless as the doctor moved it from left to right.

“WHOA." Daniel remarked, "THIS IS A MINDJOLT.”

“Bullshit,” Bob mumbled.

“BULLSHIT." Daniel repeated mindlessly, "FARMVILLE?”

Dr. Jones shook his head and sat Daniel back down into the chair facing the screen. The doctor seized control of the computer mouse.

“Daniel,” Dr. Jones said, “I am just going to open a new tab now okay? I’m not closing Facebook, it will still be open.”

“What are you planning to do Doctor?” Susan asked curiously.

The Doctor placed his fingers on the keyboard, “I am going to try and activate the hormonal parts of the brain. You may want to look away Mrs. Borkin. This is going to get rough.”

Mrs. Borkin covered her eyes, while Bob watched sceptically.

“Daniel,” the Doctor said once again, “how old are you son?”

“BIRTHDAY: SEPTEMBER 17, 1995.”

“Okay, have you ever heard of ‘Youtube’? Except in a variant form? For example, those websites that teens and perverted adults frequently visit?”

“YOUPORN.”

“Ahem,” Dr. Jones coughed, “that is one of them.”

“REDTUBE.”

“Yes, that too.”

“TITTER.”

“I’ve never heard of that one... possibly. Now I’m just going to show you some videos here, we’ll see if anything awakens inside you.”

“DANIEL LIKES THIS.”

“I’m sure you do.”

Daniel pointed at the minimized Facebook tab, “FRIEND REQUEST ACCEPTED.”

“I’m flattered, Daniel.”

Daniel tapped the screen, “UPDATE STATUS.”

“No Daniel, forget about your status for now, okay?”

“STATUS UPDATE. STATUS UPDATE. NOW.”

Dr. Jones grasped Daniel’s wrist, gripping it tightly.

Daniel's expression turned into one of repulsion, “RELATIONSHIP REQUEST DENIED.”

Suddenly Daniel raised a fist with his other arm and punched Dr. Jones in the right cheekbone. Disoriented, Jones fell backwards into Bob knocking him down.

“All right, that’s it,” Bob said, as he stood up pushing the doctor away and taking the computer mouse out of his son’s reach. “It’s time to put an end to this crap.”

“What’s going on?” Susan asked still covering her eyes, “Can I uncover my eyes now?”

Dr. Jones scratched his head and stood up, focusing his attention onto the computer monitor. Daniel was struggling to gain control, but Bob was pushing him away with one hand while clicking with the other.

“Bob, what are you doing?” Dr. Jones asked cautiously, “I’ll advise you to be careful, Facebook is much more powerful than you think. Technology has advanced pretty far the past couple years.”

“I’m deleting his account,” Bob replied with conviction.

“Not the best idea, Bob,” the Doctor warned.

“It’s the best idea I’ve had all week.”

“DISLIKE. DISLIKE. DISLIKE.” Daniel yelled while curling himself up into a fetal position. “CANCEL EVENT.”

“Bob you don’t understand,” the Doctor continued, “If you click that button, there’s no turning back. There have been cases and studies done by professionals...”

“Yes Bob,” Susan joined in, “listen to him, he’s a professional.”

“Shut your damn mouth Susan,” Bob retorted, “you’ll love me for this." He clicked the mouse and smiled with a feeling of temporary gratification.

“Shit,” Dr. Jones cursed.

“What?” Bob asked.

“What I was trying to warn you about is that according to studies, in this day and age, people who don’t use Facebook reportedly don’t exist. Therefore by deleting your son’s account, you have just deleted your son from existence.”

“Oh God!” Susan screamed pointing at the spot on the floor that her son had just been, “He’s gone!"

Bob’s eyes widened, "Fruit of my loins," he said aimlessly, "So ripe, yet so unfulfilled."

Dr. Jones put his hand on the shoulder of a crying Susan. “It’s okay, it’ll be fine. There will always be more opportunities to procreate with your husband. Are you over fifty?”

“I don’t want to procreate,” Susan admitted, “Nothing can replace my dear Danny. I want a divorce right this instant.”

Dr. Jones nodded comprehendingly, “Do you have your cell phone on you right now?”

“Yes,” Susan replied, “why do you ask?”

Dr. Jones looked at Bob and whispered in Susan’s ear, “Just change your relationship status to 'Divorced' and the rest will take care of itself.”


Fin

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